Dear Solomon,

My Boyfriend Is really depressed! He has a serious health problem that makes him tired and sick all the time. He is in a dead end job that is sucking the life from him. His family wont even talk to him, they didn't even call him to wish him happy Birthday! He is Anti-social even tho he really wants friends and he hates my apt. where we live but he stay cuz 1: he can't afford to live on his own and 2: He loves me and wants me to go back to school. I feel helpless! Nothing I say or do seems to help and we can't afford counseling or therapy and we can't get him to a doctor because we don't have insurance. I'm at my wits end here, how can I make him happy or even just make him feel a little better about the future?

   ~R

Dear R,

Depression hits all kinds of people all across the spectrum of age, gender, social standing, financial status, just everywhere. Sometimes it's caused by a chemical imbalance, yes, but sometimes it's caused by looking at circumstances instead of opportunities. First of all, is he receiving treatment for his serious health problem. That alone can contribute to depression. Your boyfriend may have a medical condition that has induced this state of depression and there is help for that, even without insurance. You will have to look very hard, though. Some hospitals, clinics and even private practices offer hardship programs for those who don't have insurance or can't afford proper treatment. Another option is that there may be a church in your area that has trained counselors on staff. They often provide services at little or no cost. Even if you're not religious, there will be help for your boyfriend somewhere. Don't stop looking. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. One thing that can help YOU is to understand that you are not responsible for his depression or his treatment. Before you get all "But I love him, He needs me..." Yes, all that is true. And you can be the best support he's got. But remember this old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." You can find help for him, but it is up to him to take the steps toward a healthy life. In the meantime, try not to get caught up in his unhealthy emotional state, but keep yourself healthy and optimistic. It may be that a few counseling sessions is all he needs to find the flame that's hiding inside him, or he may need to be on medication for awhile. Either way, help him to look up, to see the opportunities and beauty of the simple things. Take a walk in the sunshine. Have a picnic in the courtyard. Walk in the rain, even! Have a pillow fight. Have a staring contest. Just look outside your four walls and have fun.

   ~Solomon

Dear Solomon,

I have been separated from my husband for 4 years. He was abusive and hasn't changed. I haven't talked to him in all that time, and I'm not really even sure where he's living. Anyway, I wasn't looking for a new relationship, just living on my own, until I stumbled across an old flame from 20 years ago. Long story short, we fell in love all over again. We've been careful to avoid getting too close, but it's getting harder and harder. I know that he is my "soul-mate" and being with him feels like the absolute right thing. I was taught that divorce wasn't an option, but now, I have a need to go on with my life and to build a future with someone who loves me. What about divorce in this situation? And remarriage? What's the right thing to do?

   ~m.s. Florida

Dear EveryMan,

God did not intend for divorce to happen, but did allow for divorce under certain circumstances. He also instructs us to treat our spouses respectfully. Your husband was abusive and probably still has that tendency. My experience with abusers and domestic violence survivors has led me to believe that the pattern of abuse breaks the vow your husband made to love, honor and respect you. You did the right thing by getting out of that home, now you're wondering if you should get out of the marriage. Here's my opinion: the divorce should have been made final within a year of your separation. Don't wait any longer. By not divorcing him, you are holding on to that tie that kept you in the relationship in the first place: his power over you. Let go and move on. As far as this "new/old" man in your life, take your time. It's easy to fall into an old familiar routine when you've been alone for a long time. Remarriage isn't always a bad thing, but it can be complicated by the "baggage" each person brings into a new marriage. Get to know each other again and see where the relationship leads.

   ~Solomon